In quest of Real love

BY HDG B.S. TIRTHA MAHARAJ

Love has many forms at different stages of our lives - from our parents, to our friends, to the opposite sex, our life partners and then to our children and grand children. We keep hankering for love without knowing what is real love that is elsewhere, says His Divine Grace Bhakti Swarup Tirtha Maharaj.

Everyone has some yearning, an intense craving for belonging. But one cannot identify who will satisfy. In this confusion, we keep relating with many people and even acquiring many objects for our satisfaction with great hopes. But the result is always frustration.

We develop various relationships – ever obliging father, indulging mother, protective brother and a loving sister - not just in the current existence, but in life after life. No doubt, we feel joy with their association, a feeling of security and a sense of belonging during childhood. But during adolescence, the delight fades away. A kind of boredom sets in.

During the teenage years, we hanker after greater joy. We seek fresher avenues to satisfy our longing. At this stage, one becomes exultant with a group of friends. Very intimate talks, sometimes naughty jokes, teasing one another, yelling on the streets, bullying and calling names, fighting and making up again, dressing flamboyantly, visiting restaurants, careening in flashy cars, violating traffic laws, all night parties, all night drunken brawls at liquor joints, dare devil outdoor sports and frivolous indoor games ... all these seem to give us tremendous pleasure, undoubtedly, a heavenly feeling. Yet a strange feeling persists of missing something; we are unable to understand a longing that does not seem to diminish.

Time passes. When ushered into youth, the feeling becomes more intense as we grow in years. Something is lacking. Don’t know why this urge does not go away. We go all out in search of it. Yet, it remains an enigma. Indefinable. Intangible. The more we try, the more it evades. Why? What is it that we really want? In this inexplicable situation, we move in all directions, try all methods known to us just to locate that thing, that object, that person, to quench our ever increasing thirst – a thirst that wants to see its culmination and an end. This feeling dominates both young men and women. During one's youth, everyone is indescribably restless.

When a dynamic youth watches a movie on a TV or on a big screen, a romantic scene rivets attention. The mind at once identifies with the hero or the heroine. That singing, that dancing, that togetherness stimulates the deep rooted feeling of belonging to another. 'This is it! This is what can appease my hunger for satisfaction,' one thinks. This solution puts an end to the conundrum and drives him or her to frantically look out for a companion. We fancy this idea to subdue that persistent emotion.

So one starts looking around for a life partner. An ideal match, everyone desires: well educated, good looking, reasonably rich, popular among city socialites. A marriage takes place. This, apparently, gives a type of satisfaction that seems to quench that inordinate thirst tormenting one all these years. The result – a pleasant relief, a piquant situation, a calmed mind. A couple of years of married life. One thinks - 'At last, I got what I want'; a kind of relief, a desire fulfilled.

Often, the stress of modern life with its ceaseless demands for money and enjoyment, leads to conflict between the husband and the wife. Or, just a casual expression of dissent over a trivial issue between the couple gradually develops into an irritating quarrel. A point comes when they cannot tolerate each other. The result? Mudslinging and character assassination. A long drawn court case and, finally, a formal separation. A divorce. The relationship ends.

Back to square one. The feeling that had temporarily subsided raises its (ugly or pleasant?) head again. Once more the torture begins. It becomes overwhelming. The elders of the family suggest a second marriage. With an uncertain mind the proposal is accepted. Another plunge is taken. This seems to work well with the birth of a son.

Now the focus shifts to showering the son with love and raising him. The child born during the second marriage, gives joy to the depressed mind. Perhaps, this is what I was searching for all my life. The middle-aged man now basks in his affection. He plays with him and takes him to school every day. He feeds him with his own hands. Cuddles him to sleep with him at night. Enjoys his prattle. Rejoices at his mischief. The son finishes his education, starts his career and gets married. Now he has grandchildren growing up. They do not enjoy his company. A tremendous generation gap exists between them. As he grows older, he becomes gradually isolated and ignored by both his son and grandchildren. Two decades later, again monotony sets in.
The very old impulse, the energy that remained subdued so far, surges forward with a greater vigour. The mind becomes restive, dissatisfied.

The result – discontentment, disappointment. He feels cheated, rejected, unwanted. Once again, the loneliness and insecurity. The old man ponders over the past events of his life. Meandering through the nostalgic memory lanes is sometimes pleasant and detestable at other times. Recollections and reflections soothe no more – no solace. He can now see the very old feeling re-emerging with greater intensity.

Everyone responds to his or her interior stimuli. Each acts in accordance with survival needs. This is true. But then, the same question. What is it that I actually want? What is it that I have been craving for right from my childhood? That craving which has been the stimulus, the driving force that dominated my life so far, still appears to elude me. A strong emotion wells up in his heart. This emotion, an emergence that seeks an expression now almost driving him to tears. When will this perennial search end? When will that perpetual thirst meet its object? What is it that I am really seeking?

Practical experience of life with the resulting maturity places him in a mood of introspection. Dispassionate deliberation leads to a divine revelation. It occurs to him that the impelling force behind constant search, relentless attempts and unceasing desire to achieve was nothing but a quest for love. This is what lingered since childhood. It is this quest of love which was catalytic for various
relationships he entered into.

Each relationship let him down badly.
Every human link ultimately ended in bitterness.
All family bonds were disappointing.
Friends became exploiters.
Colleagues became competitors.
Social interactions were hypocritical.

He always wanted to love someone; he wanted to give his whole self. He wanted to taste that sublime aspect of love from which he would never desire an exit. He expected in every relationship that the relative should love him immensely. He wanted to float in the everlasting blissful experience, love and love alone, nothing else.

Why was my every loving attempt a discomfiture? Why did my own close blood relations never respond sincerely? Why did even my mother’s love, often glorified as pure, have a tinge of partiality? Why was this love element conspicuous by its absence even in conjugal relationships? Why is it? Why is it? Why is it? He deliberated long and hard.

After a thorough heart searching, every sensitive person will realize that this question is deep rooted in his/her heart as well. The fact is that this question always existed at the back of the mind - during the childhood stage of innocence, the carefree life of adolescence, the youth of infatuation and in the middle age of frustration. Non-stop involvement in various illusory activities of life for the
enjoyment of the physical senses affords no scope for this question to raise its head. It requires one to wake up from the deceptive attractions of material life to understand why this question remains unanswered? Generally, it is only when one becomes quite old, and rejected, humiliated and forced into solitude, that this question will rise like a giant in the mind.

We like to love others because we have a propensity to love. But, in this phenomenal world, it is misdirected. Hence, in the so-called 'loving relationships' we are not satisfied and repeatedly become dejected. This despondency will continue, life after life till we direct our love towards God, Krishna. It is the innate and therefore natural tendency of a living being as a spirit soul to love
Krishna, the Supreme spirit soul. But this tendency becomes degraded and directed to the wrong objects because of the living entity’s interaction with matter. In this material world, the love for God degenerates into lust; and service towards Him is transformed into sense gratification. It is just like the rain water which is pure as it pours down but becomes muddy immediately on contacting the earth.

The problem is that we always misconstrue lust as love. We often talk of love at first sight but it is actually lust at first sight. Lust arises from a bodily conception, love springs from a spiritual platform. Lust has a selfish motivation, while love is a product of dedication. While love is all consuming bliss, a magnificent obsession, its perverted version, lust, is inebriating and is damaging. Love is satisfying and lust is depressing.

Lust is selfish, love is selfless. Lust is seen when relationships are made on the basis of physical connections. Love, however, shows in relationships developed on a spiritual understanding. Our real existence is spiritual. We are a fragmented portion of God, Krishna who is the Supreme spirit soul. Therefore, when our senses are engaged in the service of Krishna, it is pure love and hence it is so satisfying. If the senses are active for our personal enjoyment, it is lust and therefore very frustrating. When we live in Krishna’s service, we are perfect and when we live for ourselves and other physical connections, then we are imperfect. Today, the whole world is engaged in satisfying one's family, community or country based on the physical conception of life. Precisely, therefore, lust and selfishness are observed in all their transactions.

Both a man and a woman marry each other for one another’s physical satisfaction. Physical charms and pretence of love are considered as love. Hence, even a slight shortcoming in their marital dealings that hurts the ego or does not satisfy the senses results in instant divorce. Then, where is true love? Physical relationships only exhibit different degrees of lust. Since true love belongs to the spiritual realm, one cannot realize it through physical relations.

True love manifests naturally in transcendental relationships. True love is only possible between a genuine devotee and God. Even when we indulge in physical pleasures, that is what we are looking for all our lives. Our search for true love can only end successfully by loving God.